You know I don't think the first part of this review really reflected just how stupid this film really is. Every scene has at least one moment that makes you go "eh?" The only reason didn't point out every single dumb moment in this film is because if I did this review would be the length of a small novel. Okay, not that maybe not long, but it would still be quite a long review.
Once again, in some places I will tell you to play this clip.
So Noel and Helden go to a festival, which is a bit like a cross between Mardi Gras and a screening of The Rocky Horror Show, with lot's of topless women. Helden is then kidnapped and Noel makes chase. He's then stopped by a guy who tells him that he's on Noel's side and he should head back to the hotel before he gets both of them killed. Noel ignores him and continues his pursuit. He wonders into some kind of sex club and the guy stops him again, telling him that it's not easy keeping him alive. The guy then has a look at the gun that Helden gave Noel earlier and tells him that it's broken. Now, if he had any common sense he would suspect that this was possible sabotage, but seeing how this is Noel Holcroft we're talking about, he thinks nothing of it. And again, why is Helden sabotaging his gun which will surely get him killed, if the bad guys need him to sign the contract. The guy, who's name is either Hartman or Hoffman, it's difficult to make out what he's saying on my copy, fixes the gun and Noel asks a nice fat lady wearing a Nazi officers cap which way the bad guy went. She tells them and they go after him.
The Un-Dynamic Duo make chase
After some tilted shots of Noel and Hartman/Hoffman running, they split up. Noel is shot at, but when he tries to return fire they've disappeared. Either that or it was the Invisible Man. Noel goes to investigate, but then Hartman/Hoffman catches up and tells him to get down. A car pulls up and a couple of bad guys get out. Hartman/Hoffman shoots both of them. The bad guy who kidnapped Helden, who turns out to be none other than Mr. Mann, shoves her into the car and kills Hartman/Hoffman. Mr. Mann starts to drive away, but then Noel jumps out in fort of the car and shoots Mr. Mann in the head. That's a pretty good shot for somebody who doesn't know how to fire a gun, but I guess it's just beginners luck. The car crashes into some rubbish bags and Noel and Helden flee the scene.
We cut to Noel and Helden back at the hotel room, even though according to "The Drill" they should change rooms every night. Noel is having a nightmare about the previous scene, and he of course wakes up jumping up and shouting "No!!!!" in a manner that characters in films often do, and yet absolutely no-one does in real life. Noel is horrified at taking a human life, but Helden calms him down by telling him that she's "never met a man like you before" and they have sex.
After the act, the phone rings and we cut to Noel and Helden meeting Captain Moustache. He tells Noel that the covenant must be signed at once. Captain Moustache also states that Noel and Helden must drive to Geneva, while he goes by train, and to tell Mass to meet them in 3 days. He asks Noel to prove that he is totally committed to this, so Noel tells him that he killed Mr. Mann. Captain Moustache tells Noel that he has also killed a man (in South Africa I should add) and that they are now truly brothers. See, the writers put this exchange in to show a growing bond between them and to make it more of a surprise that Captain Moustache is the villain. Of course the audience doesn't buy their friendship at all so it just comes off as pointless.
We then cut back to Oberst's house, he is speaking to Noel's mum (play the clip). She moans about how much she hates Clausen some more, which makes me wonder why she even married him in the first place. Her excuse is that she was 16 and he was good looking. They also talk about the assassination attempt on her and how Noel is in danger.
We cut to Noel and Helden driving to Geneva. They are soon followed by a helicopter and another car. "probably just another Sunday driver" *groan* "On the other hand, as it is Tuesday, why don't you put you're foot on the gas and see what happens" *double groan*. We then get the shortest car chase in the world, which leads to our heroes being captured. They are taken to a house and Noel gets angry about the fact that none of the bad guys seem to speak English, "I thought you all learned it in the goddamn first grade" he shouts. Leighton shows up and Noel gets even angrier. Helden however seems relieved that he was the one who had them brought there. We also find out that Hartman (I'm pretty sure Leighton says Hartman) was working for Leighton. He tells Noel that his mother is with Oberst. Helden objects to this, telling him that they have to be in Geneva but Leighton tells her to go on a head and he will take Noel back to London.
Speaking of which, Captain Moustache shows up at Oberst's house and kills Him (play the clip). He explains to Noel's mum what exactly "the list" (play the clip) is. Apparently it's a bit of paper with a thousand names on it. He also gives a speech about how the world has gone to shit since the German's lost the war. He also tells her that they need Noel's signature. As I've been saying through out this review, if that's the case why have they been trying to kill him? We cup to later that night when Leighton and Noel pull up to the house where they find the bodies of a guard, Oberst and a dog. Oh no, not the dog, will Captain Moustache stop at nothing? They watch the security tapes and find out it was Captain Moustache. Noel asks "What about Helden? She's meeting him tomorrow". Leighton instructs him to tell her about the murder but not who did it. Leighton also tells Noel that he doesn't actually work for the British government, rather for Oberst. Noel then finds his mother's corpse. Leighton tells him that he must sign the convernant, and after that he'll kill Captain Moustache "or you,can ,if you like". "I like" replies Noel. That's a pretty awful line on paper, but Caine sell it quite well.
Not even animals are safe from Captain Moustache's wrath
Helden goes to meet her brother in his hotel room and we find out that, she's a bad guy... (play the clip). We also find out that the two of them are shagging. Helden then goes to see Noel and Leighton, telling them that she is shocked by the murders, and described it to Captain Moustache the same way Noel described it to her, even the nasty business with the dog. She leaves and Noel tearfully tells Leighton that "I never mentioned the dog" (you know what to do).
Because the fact that they're Murderous Neo-Nazi's just doesn't make them evil enough
The next day Noel, Helden, Mass and Captain Moustache go to the bank to meet the bad guy from Moonraker, who gives them the covenant to sign. They go to the lobby, where a bunch of reporters are gathered. Apparently Noel, being spokesman, called a press conference. He announces the other's evil plan. Apparently they're going to use the money to bring every terrorist group in the world to create global chaos. This will cause total anarchy and then Captain Moustache will come along as a new world leader. Appently the names on the list are contacts for each of these terrorist groups. Captain Moustache pulls out a gun. Mass tries to stop him, but ends up getting shot. Captain Moustache tries to kill Noel, but in the end Noel ends up reigning supreme. Apparently in the book, the finale involved helicopters and explosions and stuff, but it was too expensive to film, so we got stuck with this anti-climax.
"She was only 17 years old!!"
We cut to a hotel room where Helden tells Noel that she loves him and that they will get married. He tells her that he knows she was in on it the whole time. He tells her that he is still in love with her but it wouldn't work, what with the whole killing his mother thing. Helden pulls out a gun and Noel tells her he sabotaged it the same way she did earlier in the film. Now rather than shoving her into the boot of his car and then pushing it into a river, he fixes the gun and then gives it back to her. Noel turns to face the window as the camera zooms in to the back of his head and tilts. We hear a gun shot and a tearful Noel turns round to reveal that Helden committed suicide. At last the film is over.
Sir Michael Caine reacts to his performance in The Swarm
Before I sat down to re-watch this film for the review, I had forgotten just how bad this film was. Every cliché of the genre is used, to the point where it is at no point suspenseful, and the hero is so inept it's almost comical. Like I said, something like Jaws: The Revenge is probably far worse, but that's not saying much. Unless you're a Michael Caine fan who feels that you need to see every single film he's ever made, avoid this it at all costs.
Terry Gilliam's satirical take on George Orwell's 1984 see's an office worker played by Johnathan Pryce, who's attempts to correct a filing error leads to a series of events that makes the government mistake him for a terrorist. I recently watched this at College, and was reminded just how much I love this film. The world it presents parallels our own society, more so than it did when it was made. The many fantasy dream sequences through out are fantastically realised and the ending is one of the best ever. It's also one of only two Criterion Collection DVD's I own, mostly because a) I live in the UK so I would have to import them and b) they are really expensive.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
The people of earth are slowly being replaced by emotionless alien duplicates in this remake of the 1950's classic. The film does what a good remake should, takes the basic story and effectively updates it for modern audience's. Add to that some genuinely disturbing imagery and a memorable twist ending, that make this recommended viewing for Sci-Fi fans. Plus it's got Donald Sutherland in it, who doesn't love Donald Sutherland.
Manhunter (1986)
Based on Thomas Harris' Red Dragon, this is the first and, in my opinion, best of the Hannibal Lector films. FBI agent Will Graham is brought out of retirement to find serial killer the Tooth Fairy. What makes this film great is the performances by William Peterson and Tom Noonan as Graham and The Tooth Fairy respectively. Brian Cox makes for a far more realistic Lector (spelt Lektor in the credits for some reason) than Athony Hopkins' over the top and hammy portrayal. Some of the directorial choices and music are dated but this is still an effective and well made thriller.
Seven Samurai (1954)
This is a film I would recommend to everyone. Even if you don't like black and white or subtitled films I guarantee you will still love this, it's that good. Directed by acclaimed Japanese filmmaker Akira Kurosawa, the film tells the story of seven samurai hired to protect a village from a gang of bandits. The action scenes are great but it's the characters that make the film, the stand out being Kikuchiyo played by Kurosawa regular Toshiro Mifune, he's just so fun to watch. This film was remade a few years later as The Magnificent Seven, which is also a great film.
South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut (1999)
This feature length spin off from the popular adult cartoon series is actually my favourite musical (after A Hard Day's Night of course) and animated film. After Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman sneak into an R-rated film from Canada, they begin repeating some of the colourful language they heard in it at school. This leads to they're parents convicting the American President to declare war on their cousins from the North. Not only is this funny, the songs are well written and memorable. It also works as a standalone film, and got a lot of people, myself included, interested in the show.
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)
While Empire Strikes Back may be the best film in the series, on a level of pure enjoyment I prefer this one. This is a film pretty much everybody has seen by now, but if you haven't the story is about a farmhand named Luke Skywalker who teams up with a smuggler, a wise old Jedi Knight, an alien and two droids to rescue a princess from the evil Darth Vader and defeat the Galactic Empire. There really isn't much I can say about this film other than see it now.
The Terminator (1984)
Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the Cyborg sent back in time to kill the mother of the man who will lead humanity in a war against the machines. Michael Biehn plays the man sent back to protect her. The plot is simple but the intelligent script and well done action sequences more than make up for that. It's actually a shame that Arnie didn't play more villains, because he's very intimidating as the T-800. Out of the sequels, only 1991's Terminator 2: Judgement Day is worth watching (although I've always found it a bit overrated personally).
Sir Michael Caine has made some classic films. He's also made a lot of crap ones too. The Holcroft Covenant is one of those films. Now in no way is it as bad as say Jaws: The Revenge, I assume, I haven't actually watched Jaws: The Revenge, but it's still hilariously awful on so many levels.
The films main problem is that it wants to be a serious espionage thriller, but comes of more like an airplane-style parody of the genre. If this had been advertised as a comedy, it would probably be considered a classic.
Apparently the book isn't that bad.
Adapted from the novel by Bourne Identity author Robert Ludlum, this "masterpiece" is directed by John Frankenheimer, the man who gave us original The Manchurian Candidate, The French Connection 2 and Ronin. Now those are all well directed films, so it makes me wonder why the direction here is so poor. I assume the reason Caine agreed to be in The Holcroft Covenant, other than the pay check of course, was that he would get to work with an acclaimed director like Frankenheimer.
Also at certain points I'm going to ask you to play this clip.
We start off with a black and white opening sequence set during the end of World War II depicting three Nazi generals putting three envelopes in a box. The box is then taken by a courier from Geneva (quite how he got there I don't know considering the allies would have invaded the bombed out remains of Berlin at this point. He also appears to be wearing a German uniform for some reason).
One of the Generals then shoots the other two and himself. I'm sure this would have been a very dramatic opening if it weren't for the cheap looking set, obvious stock footage and cliché suspense music blearing on the soundtrack that make the whole thing seem like a TV production.
This is actually a pretty cool looking shot.
We then cut to New York where we meet architect Noel Holcroft, the son of one of the generals, who, despite being a German man who has lived in the US for most of his life, speaks with a Cockney accent. Now, before we actually meet him, there is a small scene that I remember from when I watched the film on TV in which Noel's secretary answers a phone call, telling the caller that Noel isn't in his office because he's at a building site. This scene was to establish that Noel is an architect I imagine, but considering we first see him at the construction site wearing a hardhat and looking over some blueprints. It seems the makers of the UK DVD (which is mastered from a poor quality VHS tape, and should be avoided) would agree with me, since this scene has been cut out of that version. His occupation isn't really relevant to the story either, Noel could be a marine biologist or a taxi driver and it would make no difference.
Anyway Noel is told he has a telephone call from Geneva.
"You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"
We cut to Switzerland where Noel meets the bad guy from Moonraker, who thanks him for flying to Europe at such short notice (this being the day after the telephone call.) Does Noel often just drop everything and fly across the Atlantic without telling anybody just because a total stranger told him it was important? The bad guy from Moonraker then explains that he's here to talk about General Clausen, Noel's biological father. Noel then gives a speech about how he and his mother fled to America when he was 18 mouths old and he no longer acknowledges Clausen as his father. Caine delivers his lines by shouting them, presumably in the same way he shouted at his agent when he was first offered the script for On Deadly Ground.
The bad guy from Moonraker, worried that somebody is listening, suggests that they go outside. He tells Noel that towards the end of the war, Clausen started to feel bad about the whole Nazi thing, so he and the two other guys from the opening tried to make amends by put some money in a secret bank account. This money is to be used to set up a foundation to help those victimized by the Nazi's.
Noel is told that he will be the foundation's spokesman and chairman, and will have complete control over how the cash, which is now approximately $4 and a half Billion, is distributed. Noel is also given a letter from his father, that warns him about various organizations who will try to stop him from fulfilling the terms of the covenant.
Every time I see Michael Lonsdale in something I keep expecting him to try to kill James Bond
We next see three suspisious looking men walking towards Noel, no doubt for suspisious purposes One of them, who is hiding a gun in his newspaper is about to shoot Noel but is himself shot by another one, who is obviously here to protect Noel, who is completely oblivious to all of this. Then the third man (not played by Orson Wells in this scene) tries to stab the second guy, but the second guy takes him out with his own knife. This scene is very reminiscent of the Oktoberfest scene from The Pink Panther Strikes Again where the worlds top assassins try to kill Inspector Clouseau but end up bumping themselves off. Seriously, watch both scenes back to back and tell me their not beat for beat the same (except of course the one from The Holcroft Covenant isn't supposed to be funny.)
We then cut back to New York, where Noel goes to his mother's book shop and shows her the letter. She confirms Clausen's handwriting but warns Noel to take his sudden change of heart with a grain of salt. Noel ignores this and heads back to his apartment building where he finds a couple of police cars, an ambulance and a large crowd. We see the suspisious guy who saved Noel back in Switzerland who walks away after fulfilling his role of being spotted by the audience. After he identifies himself, the police let Noel into the building and a detective questions him in the lobby. We also see a body in the background. Noel is asked if he knows somebody called Peter Baldwin (presumably the dead body), but he say's he doesn't.
"But Meem I wanna be the chairman of the Billion Dollar corporation."
In his apartment he checks his answering machine which, due to the fact this is 1985, is quite large. We hear his messages, and we found out that while he was in Europe he didn't bother to tell his employers or his clients that he wasn't going to come into work that day. We also find out he didn't even tell his mother he was leaving town. This all makes our hero seem like a bit of an arsehole. Also, considering he didn't know he was going to become the chairman of a billion dollar corporation before he left, one has to wonder how much he actually likes his job.
The next message is from Peter Baldwin himself (play the clip). Rather than do the sensible thing and inform the police about this, he tries to reach Baldwin at the hotel number he left, but is told that Baldwin "checked out" (you can say that again). Noel listens to the rest of his messages and gets a second one from Baldwin, who warns him he is in terrible danger. Baldwin tells Noel to meet with his associate Leighton and Helden, the daughter of one of the other Nazi generals, the next day in Trafalgar Square. He is told, twice, not to look for Leighton (why exactly?) Leighton will find him.
Baldwin say's he'll try to meet with Noel, but in case something goes wrong, he tells Noel to destroy this tape. Noel destroys the tape and phones his secretary, telling her to book a flight to London. Wait, he's buggering off to another country without telling his employers or clients again? He really is an arsehole.
We next see Noel at Trafalgar Square, where he spots the guy who saved him in Switzerland (who for simplicity's sake I'm going to refer to as Mr Mann). Noel walks over to Mr. Mann and calls him Leighton. Mr. Mann then walks off and the real Leighton approaches Noel. He tells Noel off for looking for him, despite being told not to. Admittedly it was a stupid instruction, but the fact that Noel couldn't do something as simple as waiting for some to meet him makes him seem a bit thick, particularly since he might have just compromised Mr. Mann, who is presumably here to protect him once again. Noel explains that he had seen Mr Mann before, so he assumed that he was Leighton, who reveals he's British Military Intelligence. Leighton responds by saying "assumption is the mother of all f*** ups", making sure to emphasise the last two words for comedic affect (although it comes off as a lot more stupid than funny.) Leighton tells him that Mr Mann is Beaumont, one of the highest paid hit men in the world. Noel asks why he doesn't arrest him, and Leighton responds that he'd like to, but "a shootout in Trafalgar Square just isn't done".
You can tell that Mr. Mann is evil because birds flee from him in terror
Leighton takes Noel to a church to meet Helden, presumably so they will appear to be a couple of unrelated people praying. They would be conspicuous, if it weren't for the fact that a) they are the only two people there, and b) Noel decides to sit directly in front of her despite there being plenty of room elsewhere.
It's here where we get some more of the films amazing dialogue:
Helden: "Don’t turn around."
Noel (turns around): "What?"
Helden: "Don’t turn around!"
(Noel turns to face forward)
Helden: "Don’t speak for a moment, just listen. These precautions may seem foolish to you, but they are necessary, I promise you!"
Holcroft: "Listen, lady, three days ago, I was forty stories in the air, over New York, in a gale force wind, hiding from an insane building contractor. Let me tell you something. I felt safer then than I do now. So any precautions you want to take are OK with me!"
We learn that Helden has an older brother named Johan, or Captain Moustache as I like to call him. Noel tells her that Captain Moustache is the one he should be speaking with, but, after finding out that Baldwin is dead, Helden tells him that they can't talk here. Noel, once again proving that he's a bit thick, asks "couldn't I just buy you a drink somewhere?"
Helden tells him to wait a few minutes after she's left before leaving casually. When he leaves a man in a car shout's "Mr. Holcroft! Will you please come here and get into the car!" I should point out that Noel standing about 20 away in the middle of a public place. Very conspicuous. Noel enters the car, and the man leaves. We see that Helden, revealed to be actress Victoria Tennant (me neither), has changed her disguise of a shawl, a wig and a pair of sunglasses to another darker wig. Lon Chaney eat your heart out.
We then get a "hilarious scene of Noel revealing that he never learned to drive, much to the annoyance of Helden, who you think would have researched into this, being a spy and all. Presumably this scene was added in to get around the fact that Michael Caine couldn't drive in real life. She drives Noel to a house in the country, at night so they must have been driving for a good few hours, and removes her wig to reveal her blonde hair. Noel smiles approvingly at this to signify to the audience that she is his love interest. She takes Noel into the house to meet Herr Oberst, an old man in a wheelchair. After telling Noel to sit down, Oberst tells him that Oberst, the German word for colonel, is a codename. (not sure how that's relevant but okay).
If you notice he doesn't drive in the Italian Job either.
Noel gets angry and demands to know why he's been brought here. Oberst responds that he his here to make sure that the money isn't being used for anything Oberst doesn't approve of. Noel asks how he knows about the covenant, to which Leighton, I forgot to mention that Leighton hid in the back of the car just in case Noel tried something, replies that given the difficulty of hiding $4 and a half billion, pretty much everyone knows about it. (which makes me wonder why the German government haven't laid claim to it considering it was stolen from their military.) Oberst explains that he works for an organisation that exists to make sure "the horrors of the Third Reich are never repeated again". Considering the number of dictators who have committed mass murder since WWII, this organization mustn't be very good at their job.
Basically Oberst want's to be convinced that Noel isn't a Neo-Nazi planning to use the foundation's funds to "create a Fourth Reich". I'm no expert on accounting but I'm pretty sure you'd need more than a few Billion to do that.
This makes Noel get angry again and he basically tells Oberst to get f***ed. Oberst then pulls a gun out and tells Noel that if he doesn't convince him of his good intentions he will kill Noel on the spot. I should point out this scene has a lot of 60's Batman style tilted camera angles, which are used throughout the film. This was presumably done to build tension, but, again, it just makes the film come off as a parody rather than a serious thriller.
Noel manages to convince them by pointing out that when he played a Nazi in The Eagle has Landed his character was appalled by the Holocaust. Okay that isn't what he said, but it's still better reasoned than what he actually does, which is to grab the gun from Oberst and say "some kind of Nazi am I, I've got a gun and I don't even know what to do with it".
Now that Oberst is convinced, he gets out of his wheelchair to bid farewell to Noel. If he could walk this whole time why the hell was he sitting in a wheelchair? Noel and Helden leave and Leighton talks to Oberst in German, telling him that they've misjudged Noel and he's glad they failed to assassinate him in Geneva. Oberst agrees, adding that they must work to keep him alive so he can lead them to "the list" (play the clip).
"Mein Führer! I can walk!"
Back to Noel and Helden who pulls over to a "neon-existent parking spot", which is strange since it's between two other cars, implying that it's not illegal at all. it's raining so Helden asks Noel if he has an umbrella and he tells her he hasn't. Comedy Gold. Although, she should know that considering he's been with her all day. He gets an umbrella from the boot of the car and they walk along a bridge. Helden tells Noel that Captain Moustache is a Journalist and Noel notes that he should meet him. They also engage in some witty banter to signify, once again, that she's the love interest.
Back in New York, Noel's mum receives a phone call in her book shop. She replies in German, agreeing to drop everything and fly to London (must run in the family), stating that "my son must be stopped" (play the clip).
Back in London, Helden and Noel head back to the car (now covered with parking tickets). She tells him to wait while she calls Captain Moustache to arrange a meeting. Noel asks her how Captain Moustache is so easy to find now, considering the fact that she told him that arranging a meeting would be difficult. She tells him that it's been an hour since they left Herr Oberst's house, so her people know it's safe. I'm not sure how.
Noel and Helden go to a riding club where her brother is hanging out. It's here where we hear more philosophy from the book of chairman Holcfroft "It is 11:30 at night. I do not go horseback riding at 11:30 at night. Nobody Goes horseback riding at 11:30 at night." A second later he decides that he's always wanted to go horseback riding at 11:30 at night because he notices Mr. Mann (I know that's not his real name, I just like calling him that) is sitting in the background. Admittedly, this is probably the funniest, intentional, scene. So he and Helden get on a couple of horses and go riding with Captain Moustache for a little bit, rather badly I might add.
The reason I call him Captain Moustache is because of his thick tache (obviously)
Captain Moustache informs Noel that they are all in serious danger suggests that they should find out who the son of the third Nazi is. He tells them to fly to Berlin and go to the central archive to find out if he's still alive and what name he's living under. He also suggests flying separately, because he's experienced in this sort of thing and knows what he's talking about.
Back in New York Noel's Mother leaves her shop to head to London. She's being watched by a suspisious looking woman who signals a car with a newspaper. The car then tries to run Noel's Mother over, hitting several others in the process. Somebody manages to push her out of the way leading it to crash into her shop. "My shop!" she cries, seemingly not caring about the 3 or 4 people who've just been killed. Then the suspisious looking woman throws her handbag into the shop which then explodes. I'm not sure what blowing up the shop is going to do considering Noel's mother isn't in there.
Noel meets Helden, who is dressed as a prostitute, in Berlin, who has booked them a crappy hotel room in which Noel has to sleep on the sofa. The phone rings, but Helden tells him not to answer it because if it's Captain Moustache, then he'll ring three times, hang up and then ring back 60 seconds later. She assures him that all of these precautions are necessary. They don't seem that necessary to me, in fact they seem f***ing stupid. "Do you think I like being dressed like this?" she complains. Well considering the 1980's are the time that fashion forgot, yes I do.
In any case if, as we find out later, Helden and Captain Moustache are the ones trying to kill Noel, why are they taking so many precaution's to protect him? And if they need his signature to access they money, something we are frequently reminded of, they why are they trying to kill him in the first place?
Anyway it is Captain Moustache who's ringing. She seems pleased by what he's told her and she tells him she'll ring him back later and the signal is three rings, thirty seconds, two rings. Noel is amused by this, but Helden once again emphasises how important "the drill" as she calls it is. It's not important, it's a load of over-complicated nonsense that the screenwriters threw in because they think it's what spies do. She also gives him a gun (remember this it will be important later). He told Helden that he's found the third son. It turns out that he's the famous composer Jürgen Mass, who Noel and Helden go to see during a rehearsal. "What a perfect place to hide, just become a world famous figure" Helden adds. Well, not really considering how easy it was to find him.
After about 5 minutes of Mass conducting an Orchestra, he goes to speak to Noel and Helden. Noel explains everything that's happened to an over the top Mass. Noel tells him that he doesn't think that they should sign anything just yet, delay it for about 6 mouths to a year. Why? it just gives the people trying ton kill you in order to stop you from signing the papers, more time to kill you to stop you from signing the papers. God he really is thick isn't he. Mass invites them to his concert that night and they leave.
We then see Mr. Mann walk in and Mass tells him off for not killing Noel's Mum (is anybody somewhat competent in this film). Why are they trying to kill her anyway? I know she's been trying to stop Noel from getting involved, but wouldn't her sudden and mysterious death make him suspisious? Mass tells him that if he hadn't done such a sloppy job "tonight's venture would not be necessary". I assume they are going to kill Noel, but again, why are they trying to kill him if they need his signature? "Don't fail again" Mass tells him as the camera zooms on his face in a humours fashion (play the clip)
This is Mass if you were wondering.
Well, we're about half way through this film so I think it's an appropriate place to end the first part of this review because I can't take all of this films stupidity at once (trust me it gets worse).
Like The Great Escape, this is a film you should have seen by now. When a great white shark attacks beach goes on a small island, the chief of police (Roy Scheider), a marine biologist (Richard Dreyfuss) and a shark hunter (Robert Shaw) go out to sea to kill it.
This film is an excellent example of how to use suspense, but it's the characters that make it great.
It's a shame Spielberg hasn't made anything this good in years. Avoid the terrible sequels.
4. The General (1926)
To paraphrase the great Orson Wells, The General is not only one of the greatest comedies of all time, it's also one of the greatest war films of all time. Buster Keaton plays Johnnie Grey, a southern train engineer during the American civil war. When Yankee spies steal his beloved engine, and girlfriend, it's up to him to get them back.
Featuring a perfect recreation of civil war era America and some of Keaton's greatest set pieces, including the famous scene of a bridge collapsing while a locomotive crosses it.
Like all of Keaton's films it's also very funny.
The film is in the public domain, which means their are a lot of cheap, poor quality DVD releases floating about. If you want to watch this great film, do yourself a favour and try to find a re-mastered version.
3. The Ipcress File (1965)
Based on the novel by Len Deighton, this is the first and best of the Harry Palmer spy thrillers. Palmer (Michael Caine) is an ex-army sergeant with a shady past working for the Ministry of Defence, investigating the disappearance of a top scientist. He uncovers a clue, a piece of tape marked Ipcress, and soon finds himself a marked man.
Designed to be a more realistic, working class counterpart to Bond, Palmer was the role that made Caine a household name.
The direction by Sidney J. Furie gives the film a unique style. The camera angles must have looked very bizarre back in 1965.
Regular Bond composer John Barry makes the musical score distinctive and cool, particularly the main theme which I guarantee will be stuck in your head for ages.
I also recommend Funeral in Berlin and Billion Dollar Brian. While they aren't as good as Ipcress, they are still enjoyable and much better than the two Harry Palmer TV movies Caine made in the early 90's.
2. Don't Look Now (1973)
Based on a short story by Daphne Du Maurier, this horror/thriller tells the story of a young British couple (Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie) in mourning after the accidental drowning of their daughter. This isn't helped by the fact that the husband John, an architect, has been given the job of restoring a church in Venice (there's a strong water motif throughout the film). While there they meet two sisters one of whom claims to be psychic and that she can see their dead daughter. She also warns John that he is in danger.
The two most famous scenes are the love scene between Sutherland and Christie, which was very realistic for the time and many claimed that they are actually having sex in the scene (they aren't). The other most famous scene is the ending, which I won't give away.
This is a very slow paced film that you have watch more than once to truly appreciate it, so don't be surprised if you find it underwhelming on you're first watch.
1. Alien (1979)
This may seem like a strange choice for a favourite film, but I just love everything about it. I love the dark and foreboding atmosphere, the iconic design of the Xenomorph, the relatable characters, the great dialogue, the gothic production design, the cinematography, Jerry Goldsmith's score (even if he didn't particularly care for it himself) and the slow burning pace that helps amp up the tension. This is a near perfect film in my view. Even before they opening credits were over I knew this would be my favourite film. It's also scary as hell.
As for the sequels, watch Aliens and the underrated Alien 3, but avoid Alien Resurrection and the two Alien vs. Predator films.
So that was my top 20 favourite films (this week). Let me know what you think of my choices, do you agree with them or not? What are some of you're favourite films?
