The Holcroft Covenant (1985) review part one

Sir Michael Caine has made some classic films. He's also made a lot of crap ones too. The Holcroft Covenant is one of those films. Now in no way is it as bad as say Jaws: The Revenge, I assume, I haven't actually watched Jaws: The Revenge, but it's still hilariously awful on so many levels.
The films main problem is that it wants to be a serious espionage thriller, but comes of more like an airplane-style parody of the genre. If this had been advertised as a comedy, it would probably be considered a classic.

Apparently the book isn't that bad.

Adapted from the novel by Bourne Identity author Robert Ludlum, this "masterpiece" is directed by John Frankenheimer, the man who gave us original The Manchurian Candidate, The French Connection 2 and Ronin. Now those are all well directed films, so it makes me wonder why the direction here is so poor. I assume the reason Caine agreed to be in The Holcroft Covenant, other than the pay check of course, was that he would get to work with an acclaimed director like Frankenheimer.

Also at certain points I'm going to ask you to play this clip.



We start off with a black and white opening sequence set during the end of World War II depicting three Nazi generals putting three envelopes in a box. The box is then taken by a courier from Geneva (quite how he got there I don't know considering the allies would have invaded the bombed out remains of Berlin at this point. He also appears to be wearing a German uniform for some reason).
One of the Generals then shoots the other two and himself. I'm sure this would have been a very dramatic opening if it weren't for the cheap looking set, obvious stock footage and cliché suspense music blearing on the soundtrack that make the whole thing seem like a TV production.

This is actually a pretty cool looking shot.

We then cut to New York where we meet architect Noel Holcroft, the son of one of the generals, who, despite being a German man who has lived in the US for most of his life, speaks with a Cockney accent. Now, before we actually meet him, there is a small scene that I remember from when I watched the film on TV in which Noel's secretary answers a phone call, telling the caller that Noel isn't in his office because he's at a building site. This scene was to establish that Noel is an architect I imagine, but considering we first see him at the construction site wearing a hardhat and looking over some blueprints. It seems the makers of the UK DVD (which is mastered from a poor quality VHS tape, and should be avoided) would agree with me, since this scene has been cut out of that version. His occupation isn't really relevant to the story either, Noel could be a marine biologist or a taxi driver and it would make no difference.
Anyway Noel is told he has a telephone call from Geneva.



"You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"

We cut to Switzerland where Noel meets the bad guy from Moonraker, who thanks him for flying to Europe at such short notice (this being the day after the telephone call.) Does Noel often just drop everything and fly across the Atlantic without telling anybody just because a total stranger told him it was important? The bad guy from Moonraker then explains that he's here to talk about General Clausen, Noel's biological father. Noel then gives a speech about how he and his mother fled to America when he was 18 mouths old and he no longer acknowledges Clausen as his father. Caine delivers his lines by shouting them, presumably in the same way he shouted at his agent when he was first offered the script for On Deadly Ground.


The bad guy from Moonraker, worried that somebody is listening, suggests that they go outside. He tells Noel that towards the end of the war, Clausen started to feel bad about the whole Nazi thing, so he and the two other guys from the opening tried to make amends by put some money in a secret bank account. This money is to be used to set up a foundation to help those victimized by the Nazi's.
Noel is told that he will be the foundation's spokesman and chairman, and will have complete control over how the cash, which is now approximately $4 and a half Billion, is distributed. Noel is also given a letter from his father, that warns him about various organizations who will try to stop him from fulfilling the terms of the covenant.

Every time I see Michael Lonsdale in something I keep expecting him to try to kill James Bond

We next see three suspisious looking men walking towards Noel, no doubt for suspisious purposes One of them, who is hiding a gun in his newspaper is about to shoot Noel but is himself shot by another one, who is obviously here to protect Noel, who is completely oblivious to all of this. Then the third man (not played by Orson Wells in this scene) tries to stab the second guy, but the second guy takes him out with his own knife. This scene is very reminiscent of the Oktoberfest scene from The Pink Panther Strikes Again where the worlds top assassins try to kill Inspector Clouseau but end up bumping themselves off. Seriously, watch both scenes back to back and tell me their not beat for beat the same (except of course the one from The Holcroft Covenant isn't supposed to be funny.)


We then cut back to New York, where Noel goes to his mother's book shop and shows her the letter. She confirms Clausen's handwriting but warns Noel to take his sudden change of heart with a grain of salt. Noel ignores this and heads back to his apartment building where he finds a couple of police cars, an ambulance and a large crowd. We see the suspisious guy who saved Noel back in Switzerland who walks away after fulfilling his role of being spotted by the audience. After he identifies himself, the police let Noel into the building and a detective questions him in the lobby. We also see a body in the background. Noel is asked if he knows somebody called Peter Baldwin (presumably the dead body), but he say's he doesn't.

"But Meem I wanna be the chairman of the Billion Dollar corporation."

In his apartment he checks his answering machine which, due to the fact this is 1985, is quite large. We hear his messages, and we found out that while he was in Europe he didn't bother to tell his employers or his clients that he wasn't going to come into work that day. We also find out he didn't even tell his mother he was leaving town. This all makes our hero seem like a bit of an arsehole. Also, considering he didn't know he was going to become the chairman of a billion dollar corporation before he left, one has to wonder how much he actually likes his job.


The next message is from Peter Baldwin himself (play the clip). Rather than do the sensible thing and inform the police about this, he tries to reach Baldwin at the hotel number he left, but is told that Baldwin "checked out" (you can say that again). Noel listens to the rest of his messages and gets a second one from Baldwin, who warns him he is in terrible danger. Baldwin tells Noel to meet with his associate Leighton and Helden, the daughter of one of the other Nazi generals, the next day in Trafalgar Square. He is told, twice, not to look for Leighton (why exactly?) Leighton will find him.
Baldwin say's he'll try to meet with Noel, but in case something goes wrong, he tells Noel to destroy this tape. Noel destroys the tape and phones his secretary, telling her to book a flight to London. Wait, he's buggering off to another country without telling his employers or clients again? He really is an arsehole.


We next see Noel at Trafalgar Square, where he spots the guy who saved him in Switzerland (who for simplicity's sake I'm going to refer to as Mr Mann). Noel walks over to Mr. Mann and calls him Leighton. Mr. Mann then walks off and the real Leighton approaches Noel. He tells Noel off for looking for him, despite being told not to. Admittedly it was a stupid instruction, but the fact that Noel couldn't do something as simple as waiting for some to meet him makes him seem a bit thick, particularly since he might have just compromised Mr. Mann, who is presumably here to protect him once again. Noel explains that he had seen Mr Mann before, so he assumed that he was Leighton, who reveals he's British Military Intelligence. Leighton responds by saying "assumption is the mother of all f*** ups", making sure to emphasise the last two words for comedic affect (although it comes off as a lot more stupid than funny.) Leighton tells him that Mr Mann is Beaumont, one of the highest paid hit men in the world. Noel asks why he doesn't arrest him, and Leighton responds that he'd like to, but "a shootout in Trafalgar Square just isn't done".

You can tell that Mr. Mann is evil because birds flee from him in terror

Leighton takes Noel to a church to meet Helden, presumably so they will appear to be a couple of unrelated people praying. They would be conspicuous, if it weren't for the fact that a) they are the only two people there, and b) Noel decides to sit directly in front of her despite there being plenty of room elsewhere.
It's here where we get some more of the films amazing dialogue:
Helden: "Don’t turn around."
Noel (turns around): "What?"
Helden: "Don’t turn around!"
(Noel turns to face forward)
Helden: "Don’t speak for a moment, just listen. These precautions may seem foolish to you, but they are necessary, I promise you!"
Holcroft: "Listen, lady, three days ago, I was forty stories in the air, over New York, in a gale force wind, hiding from an insane building contractor. Let me tell you something. I felt safer then than I do now. So any precautions you want to take are OK with me!"


We learn that Helden has an older brother named Johan, or Captain Moustache as I like to call him. Noel tells her that Captain Moustache is the one he should be speaking with, but, after finding out that Baldwin is dead, Helden tells him that they can't talk here. Noel, once again proving that he's a bit thick, asks "couldn't I just buy you a drink somewhere?"
Helden tells him to wait a few minutes after she's left before leaving casually. When he leaves a man in a car shout's "Mr. Holcroft! Will you please come here and get into the car!" I should point out that Noel standing about 20 away in the middle of a public place. Very conspicuous. Noel enters the car, and the man leaves. We see that Helden, revealed to be actress Victoria Tennant (me neither), has changed her disguise of a shawl, a wig and a pair of sunglasses to another darker wig. Lon Chaney eat your heart out.


We then get a "hilarious scene of Noel revealing that he never learned to drive, much to the annoyance of Helden, who you think would have researched into this, being a spy and all. Presumably this scene was added in to get around the fact that Michael Caine couldn't drive in real life. She drives Noel to a house in the country, at night so they must have been driving for a good few hours, and removes her wig to reveal her blonde hair. Noel smiles approvingly at this to signify to the audience that she is his love interest. She takes Noel into the house to meet Herr Oberst, an old man in a wheelchair. After telling Noel to sit down, Oberst tells him that Oberst, the German word for colonel, is a codename. (not sure how that's relevant but okay).

If you notice he doesn't drive in the Italian Job either.

Noel gets angry and demands to know why he's been brought here. Oberst responds that he his here to make sure that the money isn't being used for anything Oberst doesn't approve of. Noel asks how he knows about the covenant, to which Leighton, I forgot to mention that Leighton hid in the back of the car just in case Noel tried something, replies that given the difficulty of hiding $4 and a half billion, pretty much everyone knows about it. (which makes me wonder why the German government haven't laid claim to it considering it was stolen from their military.) Oberst explains that he works for an organisation that exists to make sure "the horrors of the Third Reich are never repeated again". Considering the number of dictators who have committed mass murder since WWII, this organization mustn't be very good at their job.
Basically Oberst want's to be convinced that Noel isn't a Neo-Nazi planning to use the foundation's funds to "create a Fourth Reich". I'm no expert on accounting but I'm pretty sure you'd need more than a few Billion to do that.


This makes Noel get angry again and he basically tells Oberst to get f***ed. Oberst then pulls a gun out and tells Noel that if he doesn't convince him of his good intentions he will kill Noel on the spot. I should point out this scene has a lot of 60's Batman style tilted camera angles, which are used throughout the film. This was presumably done to build tension, but, again, it just makes the film come off as a parody rather than a serious thriller.




Noel manages to convince them by pointing out that when he played a Nazi in The Eagle has Landed his character was appalled by the Holocaust. Okay that isn't what he said, but it's still better reasoned than what he actually does, which is to grab the gun from Oberst and say "some kind of Nazi am I, I've got a gun and I don't even know what to do with it".
Now that Oberst is convinced, he gets out of his wheelchair to bid farewell to Noel. If he could walk this whole time why the hell was he sitting in a wheelchair? Noel and Helden leave and Leighton talks to Oberst in German, telling him that they've misjudged Noel and he's glad they failed to assassinate him in Geneva. Oberst agrees, adding that they must work to keep him alive so he can lead them to "the list" (play the clip).

"Mein Führer! I can walk!"

Back to Noel and Helden who pulls over to a "neon-existent parking spot", which is strange since it's between two other cars, implying that it's not illegal at all. it's raining so Helden asks Noel if he has an umbrella and he tells her he hasn't. Comedy Gold. Although, she should know that considering he's been with her all day. He gets an umbrella from the boot of the car and they walk along a bridge. Helden tells Noel that Captain Moustache is a Journalist and Noel notes that he should meet him. They also engage in some witty banter to signify, once again, that she's the love interest.


Back in New York, Noel's mum receives a phone call in her book shop. She replies in German, agreeing to drop everything and fly to London (must run in the family), stating that "my son must be stopped" (play the clip).


Back in London, Helden and Noel head back to the car (now covered with parking tickets). She tells him to wait while she calls Captain Moustache to arrange a meeting. Noel asks her how Captain Moustache is so easy to find now, considering the fact that she told him that arranging a meeting would be difficult. She tells him that it's been an hour since they left Herr Oberst's house, so her people know it's safe. I'm not sure how.
Noel and Helden go to a riding club where her brother is hanging out. It's here where we hear more philosophy from the book of chairman Holcfroft "It is 11:30 at night. I do not go horseback riding at 11:30 at night. Nobody Goes horseback riding at 11:30 at night." A second later he decides that he's always wanted to go horseback riding at 11:30 at night because he notices Mr. Mann (I know that's not his real name, I just like calling him that) is sitting in the background. Admittedly, this is probably the funniest, intentional, scene. So he and Helden get on a couple of horses and go riding with Captain Moustache for a little bit, rather badly I might add.

The reason I call him Captain Moustache is because of his thick tache (obviously)

Captain Moustache informs Noel that they are all in serious danger suggests that they should find out who the son of the third Nazi is. He tells them to fly to Berlin and go to the central archive to find out if he's still alive and what name he's living under. He also suggests flying separately, because he's experienced in this sort of thing and knows what he's talking about.


Back in New York Noel's Mother leaves her shop to head to London. She's being watched by a suspisious looking woman who signals a car with a newspaper. The car then tries to run Noel's Mother over, hitting several others in the process. Somebody manages to push her out of the way leading it to crash into her shop. "My shop!" she cries, seemingly not caring about the 3 or 4 people who've just been killed. Then the suspisious looking woman throws her handbag into the shop which then explodes. I'm not sure what blowing up the shop is going to do considering Noel's mother isn't in there.


Noel meets Helden, who is dressed as a prostitute, in Berlin, who has booked them a crappy hotel room in which Noel has to sleep on the sofa. The phone rings, but Helden tells him not to answer it because if it's Captain Moustache, then he'll ring three times, hang up and then ring back 60 seconds later. She assures him that all of these precautions are necessary. They don't seem that necessary to me, in fact they seem f***ing stupid. "Do you think I like being dressed like this?" she complains. Well considering the 1980's are the time that fashion forgot, yes I do.
In any case if, as we find out later, Helden and Captain Moustache are the ones trying to kill Noel, why are they taking so many precaution's to protect him? And if they need his signature to access they money, something we are frequently reminded of, they why are they trying to kill him in the first place?


Anyway it is Captain Moustache who's ringing. She seems pleased by what he's told her and she tells him she'll ring him back later and the signal is three rings, thirty seconds, two rings. Noel is amused by this, but Helden once again emphasises how important "the drill" as she calls it is. It's not important, it's a load of over-complicated nonsense that the screenwriters threw in because they think it's what spies do. She also gives him a gun (remember this it will be important later). He told Helden that he's found the third son. It turns out that he's the famous composer Jürgen Mass, who Noel and Helden go to see during a rehearsal. "What a perfect place to hide, just become a world famous figure" Helden adds. Well, not really considering how easy it was to find him.


After about 5 minutes of Mass conducting an Orchestra, he goes to speak to Noel and Helden. Noel explains everything that's happened to an over the top Mass. Noel tells him that he doesn't think that they should sign anything just yet, delay it for about 6 mouths to a year. Why? it just gives the people trying ton kill you in order to stop you from signing the papers, more time to kill you to stop you from signing the papers. God he really is thick isn't he. Mass invites them to his concert that night and they leave.


We then see Mr. Mann walk in and Mass tells him off for not killing Noel's Mum (is anybody somewhat competent in this film). Why are they trying to kill her anyway? I know she's been trying to stop Noel from getting involved, but wouldn't her sudden and mysterious death make him suspisious? Mass tells him that if he hadn't done such a sloppy job "tonight's venture would not be necessary". I assume they are going to kill Noel, but again, why are they trying to kill him if they need his signature? "Don't fail again" Mass tells him as the camera zooms on his face in a humours fashion (play the clip)

This is Mass if you were wondering.

Well, we're about half way through this film so I think it's an appropriate place to end the first part of this review because I can't take all of this films stupidity at once (trust me it gets worse).